For Whom the Bells Toll.......
some flotsam and jetsam on the side.
by Michael Kirwan — July 10, 2008
For Whom the Bells Toll.
Wedding bells, that is. The courts of the great
state of California have declared queers should have the
same matrimonial rights bestowed upon them as our straight
counterparts have enjoyed lo these many years. Fags and dykes are
jubilant throughout the nation, couples are eagerly picking out their
linens and floral arrangements at the prospect of official recognition
of their commitments. Finally, we can sink our collective teeth into
that considerable slice of the traditional heterosexual pie and taste
the sweet gooey thrill of equality. Whoopee! The wingnuts and the
rabidly religious are gearing up for a final battle, hoisting their
bibles and wailing both incredulous and indignant at a boat that has
effectively sailed from their unenlightened dock. But nobody gives a
rat’s ass about the old arguments any longer. Regular people without
any particular axe to grind against homos and their plight realize
that the issue falls short of being imperative at this point in
history. The general population is more concerned with a government
hijacked by corporations and their political stooges (who believe
that actual government doesn’t/shouldn’t function) that have led to a
failing economy and a disastrous foreign undertaking. And over the
past decade the “regular folks” have come to accept that their own
family members, neighbors and co-workers (as well as TV personalities
and portrayals) are queer and shockingly, still quite human. It
becomes hard to rail against “the boogeyman” when your fourteen
year-old nephew is wearing that badge. In any case, it’s an election
year and the “homosexual agenda” has yet to provide a useful wedge
issue for the cartoon characters who’ve employed this hysteria-based
tactic so successfully in the past. And New York says that it will
recognize unions performed in California! As these are the only two
states that matter in the country, that makes gay marriage pretty much
a certainty. So crack out the sateen and organza and hie thee
forth into nuptial bliss!
I’m of two opposite mindsets concerning this development. The
20% old hippie/activist in me applauds the civil rights aspect of this
legalized equality while the 80% cocksucker in me feels betrayed and
disheartened. When I signed on board the HOMOEXPRESS back in the
seventies we embraced the role of “us” NOT being “them.”
Sexual outlaws, alternative lifestyle types, renegades and rebels
ready to fight against the stagnant bog of normalcy imposed upon us.
We were outsiders with our own code of morality, our own underground
system of bars and baths and backrooms, our own separate queer
identity, and our own cultural landmarks. We were in revolutionary
mode, challenging the world to overcome their ignorance and
prejudices, and PROUD to be social pariahs (that’s what all of those
recent parades were originally about) in an unjust, puritanical and
narrow-minded country. Cocksucking wasn’t simply a physical pleasure,
it was a sharp slap in the face to powers that be and all of the
control they believed they had to describe the population.
Now, I’m all about making our activities legal and a strong
proponent of equality (even though I think we are (or were) better
than them) but marriage? Really? Is that what we want?
The right to be “normal” and monogamous and raise children in tract
housing? The right to sit in church pews with our “families” and tip
money into the baskets of those with a vile history of demonizing us?
Really? The right to be exactly like them and share in their
homespun experiences? That certainly was not my expectation when I
pledged my allegiance to the cause back in the day.
No no no. Adopting their straight lifestyle was never on my agenda.
I’ve got to reiterate that my remarks are only for male homos.
Lesbianism, like abortion, is a topic that belongs exclusively to
women and I never include the females in my observations. Women are
perfectly capable of expressing their own demands/desires and no man
should take it upon himself to usurp their voices in a misguided
attempt at ecumenicalism. What women do or don’t do has absolutely no
relevance to my life and therefore is a moot subject in my writings.
But men, fags, impersonating straight matrimonial circumstances
is beyond my comprehension. Men in hetero situations can’t manage to
keep their dicks in their pants so how are two dicks in the same
household going to remain “faithful” in a relationship? It doesn’t
even make sense. I could understand being business partners, life
partners, cohorts in crime, but exclusively devoted to each other
sexually for decades? That’s just a crock of shit. Lovers for life?
Only for the haplessly homely or idiotically isolated.
I’ve said it before, homos are not on this planet to
service each other. Our biological function is to seduce and be of use
to straight men. That’s what we’re here for. Fags doing other fags is
possibly okay for practice as beginners or in truly desperate times,
but certainly not for the long haul. I reiterate, every living thing
has a specific purpose in the structure of the ecosystem and our (the
GAYS!) logical, sensible duty is for us to reroute straight sperm into
and onto us as often and as expertly as we possibly can. What is AIDS?
It’s the natural response to a species subset not doing what is was
designed to do. As the population increases more and more
“non-breeders” (queers) will be born to stem the tide and it’ll be
harder to NOT engage in the deranged practice of pairing up with
another fag but we must understand our place in the real scheme of
things and not succumb to individual satisfaction as a modus operandi.
This line of thinking may sound far-fetched (and it is after all only
my assessment) but if you try to grasp who we are and for what reason
we exist, you’ll see that I’m right. But feel free to disagree. I’m
always open to a well-crafted dissenting argument. Just don’t
substitute “rainbows and roses” for a substantive case proposing an
alternate explanation for why homos roam the globe as procreation IS
the penultimate goal of every known life form.
It is no accident that the most brilliant, creative and
influential minds in the history of civilization have all been
homosexual men. Throughout the ages men who crave other men have had
to be more observant, more cunning, more duplicitous and more
determined than mere straight men to achieve their hearts’ desire.
Over and again throughout time, queers have had to inveigle, coerce,
trick and convince their prey to “roll over” and defy their own
traditional assumptions about masculinity to satisfy homo needs. We
are the ultimate human predators. “Gaydar,” as it is now understood,
is a mere fraction of the ability to espy possibilities for sexual
expression in straight men. We can sense when a guy is ripe for a
little experimentation. We can tell when they are curious or
vulnerable or just so horny that they would allow themselves to be
pleasured in ways prohibited by the church and society. We possess the
keenest awareness about the inner psychology of people, we can assess
exactly how much pressure needs be applied to convince a man to lower
his trousers and give us permission to service him in ways he
considered abhorrent right up until that very moment. With honed
instincts and rabid determination, we are the most skilled of human
hunters. Watching, calculating, cajoling and maneuvering individuals
like chessmen to win our game, homos have had to develop talents and
techniques to survive in society while undermining the status quo
regarding sexual identity in the most surreptitious manner. And the
same process that drove us towards seduction enabled us to have the
greatest minds in the history of mankind. So, it makes sense that
straight people would condemn and demonize queers because we had this
strange power which we used to manipulate and deceive almost everyone
in our single-minded quest for fresh cock. Even though we fags have
been vilified and maligned right up until current times because of our
particular genius, we have still been able to advance, contour, and
elevate the culture of all civilizations.
By the way, I firmly believe that no male can ever be completely
a MAN until he has participated in some amount of homosexual hijinks.
Only after a person has crossed the invisible line into queer
territory can he realize his full potential to act as a reasonable
agent of humanity. Males who have not accessed their homo selves are
only operating at 80% and deserve our pity as well as our efforts to
get them up to top performance speed by seducing them. Any straight
man lucky enough to ignite a spark of interest from a queer should be
honored, flattered and eagerly cooperative because it is their
invitation to an enlightened state that will propel them into a more
complete and purposeful life.
So, I think that homos have a sacred duty to introduce many
straight guys to the spiritual benefits of man-on-man sex. I think
that queers fucking with other queers is a symptom of laziness and a
lack of imagination. “But, Michael...” some homos have whined, “if I
have to go through all the trouble of landing a straight guy, I might
not get laid every weekend.” and my response is “GOOD.” Get
better at hunting. Frequency breeds complacency. The plot
time exercises areas of the brain that make you smarter and more
interesting. If you’re any good at being a fag (looking good,
having a decent spiel, making enough income to pay out conscience
funds), you can arrange to have a rotating stable of straight guys
throughout most of your valid years while retaining enough
independence to contribute to society and enjoy doing so. “But I want
to be happy!” the queers exclaim. My contention is that you will
be much happier fulfilling your biological destiny than investing in
the illusion of domestic bliss (unless of course you’re irredeemably
unattractive and somewhat stupid).
I have never envied another human being in my entire life until
just recently. I’ve never wanted what anyone else had. Beauty,
wealth, talent, power and position, none of these attributes assigned
to others ever sparked even the vaguest sense of longing in me. So it
was pretty shocking to come across a person whose life appeared so
perfectly to mirror my philosophy after 54 years on the planet. It was
a totally bizarre feeling for me to finally be confronted with another
life which I’d trade my own for. My absolute first experience of Envy!
I came across a clip on one of the free porn sites and became so
enthralled by what I saw that I tracked down the origins of said clip
and found myself fascinated by the material because it so completely
aligned with my conclusions about what homos are here for.
So, look up
SNEEK PEEK PRODUCTION (for some
reason if you’re looking on line it’s better to enter SNEEK PEEK
VIDEOS). Therein you’ll find that this guy, Vinnie Russo,
embodies every quality I most revere in a queer. He has recorded his
dalliances with a bunch of younger guys over a period of years,
creating more of a social/anthropological record than merely a
series of porn films. The camera is static, the straight boys
virtually catatonic, and pertinent dialogue is lost to the sounds of
traffic and television but taken as a whole, this is an extraordinary
documentation of one homo doing it right. Again, I truly envy this
guy and the remarkable service he's provided by filming these
There is something fundamentally so "queer" about cadging
young men into exploring the outer reaches of their own sexuality
(even if they believe they are only doing it "for the money"), and it
is ultimately so much more rewarding than simple self-gratification
(although a bit of that is certainly warranted! Hahaha!!!). It's
one of the solemn duties we have as faggots to enable mankind to be
saner, less judgmental and more robustly imaginative. For
generations, people like Vinnie Russo have been quietly toiling in the
fields, inveigling boys-to-men to partake in activities that the lads
have been brainwashed into believing were somehow "unmanly" while in
reality doing it makes them better men. It is a noble avocation
and the boys needn't evolve into full-time "gays." At least,
they'll take away the knowledge of what physical pleasures men can
afford one another and how genuinely flexible they can be to "get
Vinnie Russo, blowing these str8 boys for YEARS and
eventually/slowly/casually getting them to suck and be fucked, has
fastidiously recorded the only life I would trade my own for.
Seriously, he even times his encounters so the boys will pop a load
before "Judge Judy" begins. What a fucking life! As a tribute
I'm going to place some cheap, oversized tiger ceramics in the
background of a drawing. So even if the films aren’t exactly your cup
of tea, I hope that anybody reading this will buy at least one to
honor and support this gay hero (tell them Kirwan sent ya). Vinnie is
a true role model for anyone considering becoming queer. [NOTE: videos
are available from
But congratulations to all of you homos intending to marry each other.
Have at it, the dullness and drudgery of focusing on another single
individual rather that serving humanity. Skip the gym! It
makes your partner nervous to think of you in a sweaty man place and
why should you need to look good? Now you can be as chunky and
unkempt as most straight couples — because that special person loves
you regardless of your appearance! Don’t even bother trying to engage
in the greater world. NO! Concentrate all of your
energy and attention in your own backyard. Why bother hanging
out with other queers? Your mate might get tempted so just
associate with other straight couples because they better understand
what you’re going through. As a matter of fact, drop the word
“gay” from your lives altogether. It has liberal, militant,
promiscuous connotation that might taint your image as solid,
committed, married citizens. So, just end that association as
soon as possible. Distance yourselves from anything that even
smacks of perversion. And now that you’ll have kids in the
house, banish all of the porn and get involved with groups that want
all of those deviant messages shut down. Don’t even go to gay
church! Now that you’re legally recognized members of the “real”
society you can sit in regular pews and agree completely that the
“homosexual lifestyle” is sinful and needs be quashed. Those
dirty fairies! They’re dishonoring your blessed state with their
hedonistic ways so it’s probably best to join the city council and try
to shut them down. You don’t want your precious children exposed to
any of THAT nasty activity! Too bad I won’t be around for the family
reunions where someone will be introducing his ex-wife, his
ex-husband, the other two ex-wives and the current husband along with
the Whitman’s Assortment of adopted kids. Because no one has to
“stay in their own lane” once everything’s equal. Enjoy!
Enjoy! I’d send a double-dildo but usually I’m too broke so
you’ll have to settle for a sketch. Don’t worry though, it won’t
have any disgusting cocks featured so the little darlings won’t be
infected by queer ideals.
Is it too early to start an abstinence movement before gay marriage?
Okay. That’s the main bulk of this rant. Now for some
bits and pieces, the flotsam and jetsom of my constant irritation.
Without rhyme or reason, just tossed out for your consideration.
Why does everyone (particularly true crime exposés) call it a
“love triangle” when only one person is attached to the other two?
It’s not a triangle unless all parties involved are double-dipping.
It could be rightfully referred to as a “love V” or possibly a “love
arrow” but it simply is not a triangle. I don’t know why I find
this misnomer so aggravating. Perhaps it’s because I think that
words have a particular meaning and communication gets muddied when
the vocabulary is allowed to get sloppy.
Also annoying the fuck out of me is the term “technologist” used
by the bogus trade schools that advertise in the afternoons. Why
aren’t the “graduates” called “technicians?” Is it illegal for
them to claim that their fraudulent degrees produce technicians?
I cringe every time this idiotic bastardization is muttered.
Thankfully I live alone or else I might be compelled to punch someone
in the head every time I hear “technologist.”
I hate to mention current affairs as it dates these rants too
specifically, but I think that it is so weird, so obviously a matter
of media manipulation, so proof-positive that we are living in a
tightly controlled information bubble, that I just have to say
something about it. I’m home all day, the television is on all day.
I frequently have “news” stations on because I don’t have to look up
from my drawing to see what’s happening, AND I HAVE NOT SEEN A SINGLE
BIT OF FILM FOOTAGE DOCUMENTING THE “WAR” COVERAGE AT ALL THIS YEAR.
There are talking heads, there is excruciating coverage of candidates
doing nothing, and there are more pundits weighing in on what they
perceive as happening. Where are the embedded reporters in Iraq
and Afghanistan? Where is the NEWS about this shit? There is a
war and an occupation occurring on foreign soil, trillions of dollars
being spent, corrupt contractors, rapes, murders and deadly
confrontations but all we get are morons like Tucker Carlson (whose
dick is he sucking?) spewing nonsense or Pat Buchanan (which is like
listening to 1962). Where is the combat footage? Where are the shells
of buildings, the injured and dying “natives,” the maimed military
personnel? How can the American public comprehend what this
carnage is all about if we aren’t allowed to see any of it? I
want to know what’s happening in prisons, how contractors like
Blackwater and KBR are conducting themselves, or what the Kurds are up
to. Why are we sending young people and tons of money to places that
exist in a third-hand dream universe? I pester news organizations
about this issue regularly..... that’s why my phone is tapped.
Hahaha!!!!!! Anyway...... it’s a dismal commentary on the
illusion of a free press that we know more about Britney Spears than
how our tax dollars and military people are being used in an
ill-conceived fiasco on the other side of the world. At least we
got to SEE Vietnam. What I’d like to see is a CSPAN-like channel that
just shows all of the raw footage from reporters as well a vidcam and
cell phone stuff from soldiers 24-hours-a-day with only the most basic
explanation by the filmmaker to set the scene.
How do people who are blind since birth determine whether
they are straight or gay? Anybody out there have some insight (no pun
intended) they can share with me about this? I’d imagine that if the
primary sense used to familiarize yourself with another person is
tactile, and although men and women may feel different, there is not a
set of body parts of either gender that is inherently more sensual or
yucky than the other. How can somebody determine that they only prefer
sex with males or females without sampling the other as well? Just
I know I’m going to get in trouble for this one. Why is
America so enamored with Israel that we never criticize them over
their occupation of the Palestinian territories and their continuing
to build settlements on disputed lands? Why are they our “greatest
ally” when (as far as I can tell) their military has never fought
alongside ours in half a century of confrontations and they’ve had
quite a number of spies caught in our intelligence community?
Why is anyone who questions the Israeli government’s actions
automatically branded as an anti-Semite? Why do we always say
that we will defend them militarily when they have a powerful armed
forces (including nuclear capabilities) and enough of our money and
weapons to deal with any aggression on their own? I don’t get
it. I’m sure someone out there might have a logical explanation
for this coddling attitude but I’ve never come across one on my own.
It just IS. No one need question it. Why exactly does
America have this “special relationship” with Israel? What have they
done for us? I’d love to know.
And finally. This is totally pervy. I’ve got a boner for Jon Soltz
VoteVets.Org. So if anybody out there can locate a
photo of him shirtless (maybe at a pool or beach before he joined the
service) and send it my way, I’d be very grateful . I said it was