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For Whom the Bells Toll.......
     With some flotsam and jetsam on the side.        

by Michael Kirwan — July 10, 2008

For Whom the Bells Toll

    Wedding bells, that is.  The courts of the great state of California have declared  queers should have the same matrimonial rights bestowed  upon them as our straight counterparts have enjoyed lo these many years. Fags and dykes are jubilant throughout  the nation, couples are eagerly picking out their linens and floral arrangements at the prospect of official recognition of their commitments.  Finally, we can sink our collective teeth into that considerable slice of the traditional heterosexual pie and taste the sweet gooey thrill of equality. Whoopee!  The wingnuts and the rabidly religious are gearing up for a final battle, hoisting their bibles and wailing both incredulous and indignant at a boat that has effectively sailed  from their unenlightened dock.  But nobody gives a rat’s ass about the old arguments any longer. Regular people without any particular axe to grind against  homos and their plight realize that the issue falls short of being imperative at this point in history. The general population is more concerned with a government hijacked  by corporations and their political stooges (who believe that actual government doesn’t/shouldn’t function) that have led to a failing economy and a disastrous foreign undertaking. And over the past decade the “regular folks” have come to accept that their own family members, neighbors and co-workers (as well as TV personalities and portrayals) are queer and shockingly, still quite human.  It becomes hard to rail against “the boogeyman” when your fourteen year-old nephew is wearing that badge. In any case, it’s an election year and  the “homosexual agenda” has yet to provide a useful wedge issue for the cartoon characters who’ve employed this hysteria-based tactic so successfully in the past. And New York says that it will recognize unions performed in California! As these are the only two states that matter in the country, that makes gay marriage pretty much a certainty.  So crack out the sateen and organza and  hie thee forth into nuptial bliss!

      I’m of two opposite mindsets concerning this development. The 20% old hippie/activist in me applauds the civil rights aspect of this legalized equality while the 80% cocksucker in me feels betrayed and disheartened. When I signed on board the HOMOEXPRESS back in the seventies we embraced the role of  “us” NOT being “them.”  Sexual outlaws, alternative lifestyle types, renegades and rebels ready to fight against the stagnant bog of normalcy imposed upon us.  We were outsiders with our own code of morality, our own underground system of bars and baths and backrooms, our own separate queer identity, and our own cultural landmarks.  We were in revolutionary mode, challenging the world to overcome their ignorance and prejudices, and PROUD to be social pariahs (that’s what all of those recent parades were originally about) in an unjust, puritanical and narrow-minded country. Cocksucking wasn’t simply a physical pleasure, it was a sharp slap in the face to powers that be and all of the control they believed they had to describe the population.

    Now, I’m all about making our activities legal and a strong proponent of equality (even though I think we are (or were) better than them) but marriage?  Really?  Is that what we want?  The right to be “normal” and monogamous and raise children in tract housing?  The right to sit in church pews with our “families” and tip money into the baskets of those with a vile history of demonizing us?  Really?  The right to be exactly like them and share in their homespun experiences?  That certainly was not my expectation when I pledged my allegiance to the cause back in the day.
No no no. Adopting their straight lifestyle was never on my agenda.

     I’ve got to reiterate that my remarks are only for male homos. Lesbianism, like abortion, is a topic that belongs exclusively to women and I never include the females in my observations. Women are perfectly capable of expressing their own demands/desires and no man should take it upon himself to usurp their voices in a misguided attempt at ecumenicalism. What women do or don’t do has absolutely no relevance to my life and therefore is a moot subject in my writings.

     But men, fags, impersonating straight matrimonial circumstances is beyond my comprehension. Men in hetero situations can’t manage to keep their dicks in their pants so how are two dicks in the same household going to remain “faithful” in a relationship? It doesn’t even make sense. I could understand being business partners, life partners, cohorts in crime, but exclusively devoted to each other sexually for decades? That’s just a crock of shit.  Lovers for life?  Only for the haplessly homely or idiotically isolated.

     I’ve said it before, homos are not on this planet to service each other. Our biological function is to seduce and be of use to straight men. That’s what we’re here for. Fags doing other fags is possibly okay for practice as beginners or in truly desperate times, but certainly not for the long haul. I reiterate, every living thing has a specific purpose in the structure of the ecosystem and our (the GAYS!) logical, sensible duty is for us to reroute straight sperm into and onto us as often and as expertly as we possibly can. What is AIDS? It’s the natural response to a species subset not doing what is was designed to do. As the population increases more and more “non-breeders” (queers) will be born to stem the tide and it’ll be harder to NOT engage in the deranged practice of pairing up with another fag but we must understand our place in the real scheme of things and not succumb to individual satisfaction as a modus operandi.  This line of thinking may sound far-fetched (and it is after all only my assessment) but if you try to grasp who we are and for what reason we exist, you’ll see that I’m right. But feel free to disagree. I’m always open to a well-crafted dissenting argument. Just don’t substitute “rainbows and roses” for a substantive case proposing an alternate explanation for why homos roam the globe as procreation IS the penultimate goal of every known life form.

     It is no accident that the most brilliant, creative and influential minds in the history of civilization have all been homosexual men. Throughout the ages men who crave other men have had to be more observant, more cunning, more duplicitous and more determined than mere straight men to achieve their hearts’ desire. Over and again throughout time, queers have had  to inveigle, coerce, trick and convince their prey to “roll over” and defy their own traditional assumptions about masculinity to satisfy homo needs. We are the ultimate human predators. “Gaydar,” as it is now understood, is a mere fraction of the ability to espy possibilities for sexual expression in straight men. We can sense when a guy is ripe for a little experimentation. We can tell when they are curious or vulnerable or just so horny that they would allow themselves to be pleasured in ways prohibited by the church and society. We possess the keenest awareness about the inner psychology of people, we can assess exactly how much pressure needs be applied to convince a man to lower his trousers and give us permission to service him in ways he considered abhorrent right up until that very moment. With honed instincts and rabid determination, we are the most skilled of human hunters. Watching, calculating, cajoling and maneuvering individuals like chessmen to win our game, homos have had to develop talents and techniques to survive in society while undermining the status quo regarding sexual identity in the most surreptitious manner. And the same process that drove us towards seduction enabled us to have the greatest minds in the history of mankind. So, it makes sense that straight people would condemn and demonize queers because we had this strange power which we used to manipulate and deceive almost everyone in our single-minded quest for fresh cock. Even though we fags have been vilified and maligned right up until current times because of our particular genius, we have still been able to advance, contour, and elevate the culture of all civilizations.

      By the way, I firmly believe that no male can ever be completely a MAN until he has participated in some amount of homosexual hijinks. Only after a person has crossed the invisible line into queer territory can he realize his full potential to act as a reasonable agent of humanity.  Males who have not accessed their homo selves are only operating at 80% and deserve our pity as well as our efforts to get them up to top performance speed by seducing them.  Any straight man lucky enough to ignite a spark of interest from a queer should be honored, flattered and eagerly cooperative because it is their invitation to an enlightened state that will propel them into a more complete and purposeful life.

    So, I think that homos have a sacred duty to introduce many straight guys to the spiritual benefits of man-on-man sex. I think that queers fucking with other queers is a symptom of laziness and a lack of imagination.  “But, Michael...” some homos have whined, “if I  have to go through all the trouble of landing a straight guy, I might not get laid every weekend.” and my response is “GOOD.”  Get better at hunting.  Frequency breeds complacency.  The plot time exercises areas of the brain that make you smarter and more interesting.  If you’re any good at being a fag (looking good, having a decent spiel, making enough income to pay out conscience funds), you can arrange to have a rotating stable of straight guys throughout most of your valid years while retaining enough independence to contribute to society and enjoy doing so. “But I want to be happy!” the queers exclaim.  My contention is that you will be much happier fulfilling your biological destiny than investing in the illusion of domestic bliss (unless of course you’re irredeemably unattractive and somewhat stupid).

     I have never envied another human being in my entire life until just recently. I’ve never wanted what anyone else had.  Beauty, wealth, talent, power and position, none of these attributes assigned to others ever sparked even the vaguest sense of longing in me. So it was pretty shocking to come across a person whose life appeared so perfectly to mirror my philosophy after 54 years on the planet. It was a totally bizarre feeling for me to finally be confronted with another life which I’d trade my own for. My absolute first experience of Envy!  I came across a clip on one of the free porn sites and became so enthralled by what I saw that I tracked down the origins of said clip and found myself fascinated by the material because it so completely aligned with my conclusions about what homos are  here for.

     So, look up SNEEK PEEK PRODUCTION (for some reason if you’re looking on line it’s better to enter SNEEK PEEK VIDEOS).  Therein you’ll find that this guy, Vinnie Russo, embodies every quality I most revere in a queer. He has recorded his dalliances with a bunch of younger guys over a period of years, creating  more of a social/anthropological  record than merely a series of porn films. The camera is static, the straight boys virtually catatonic, and pertinent dialogue is lost to the sounds of traffic and television but taken as a whole, this is an extraordinary documentation of one homo  doing it right.  Again, I truly envy this guy and the remarkable service he's provided by filming these years-long tutorials.

    There is something fundamentally so "queer" about cadging young men into exploring the outer reaches of their own sexuality (even if they believe they are only doing it "for the money"), and it is ultimately so much more rewarding than simple self-gratification (although a bit of that is certainly warranted! Hahaha!!!).  It's one of the solemn duties we have as faggots to enable mankind to be saner, less judgmental and more robustly imaginative.  For generations, people like Vinnie Russo have been quietly toiling in the fields, inveigling boys-to-men to partake in activities that the lads have been  brainwashed into believing were somehow "unmanly" while in reality doing it makes them better men.  It is a noble avocation and the boys needn't evolve into full-time "gays."  At least, they'll take away the knowledge of what physical pleasures men can afford one another and how genuinely flexible they can be to "get things done."

    Vinnie Russo, blowing these str8 boys for YEARS and eventually/slowly/casually getting them to suck and be fucked, has fastidiously recorded the only life I would trade my own for.  Seriously, he even times his encounters so the boys will pop a load  before "Judge Judy" begins. What a fucking life!  As a tribute I'm going to place some cheap, oversized tiger ceramics in the background of a drawing.  So even if the films aren’t exactly your cup of tea, I hope that anybody reading this will buy at least one to honor and support this gay hero (tell them Kirwan sent ya).  Vinnie is a true role model for anyone considering becoming queer. [NOTE: videos are available from]

     But congratulations to all of you homos intending to marry each other.  Have at it, the dullness and drudgery of focusing on another single individual rather that serving humanity.  Skip the gym!  It makes your partner nervous to think of you in a sweaty man place and why should you need to look good?  Now you can be as chunky and unkempt as most straight couples — because that special person loves you regardless of your appearance!  Don’t even bother trying to engage in the greater world.  NO!   Concentrate all of your energy and attention in your own backyard.  Why bother hanging out with other queers?  Your mate might get tempted so just associate with other straight couples because they better understand what you’re going through.  As a matter of fact, drop the word “gay” from your lives altogether.  It has liberal, militant, promiscuous connotation that might taint your image as solid, committed, married citizens.  So, just end that association as soon as possible.  Distance yourselves from anything that even smacks of perversion.  And now that you’ll have kids in the house, banish all of the porn and get involved with groups that want all of those deviant messages shut down.  Don’t even go to gay church!  Now that you’re legally recognized members of the “real” society you can sit in regular pews and agree completely that the “homosexual lifestyle” is sinful and needs be quashed.  Those dirty fairies!  They’re dishonoring your blessed state with their hedonistic ways so it’s probably best to join the city council and try to shut them down. You don’t want your precious children exposed to any of THAT nasty activity!  Too bad I won’t be around for the family reunions where someone will be introducing his ex-wife, his ex-husband, the other two ex-wives and the current husband along with the Whitman’s Assortment of adopted  kids.  Because no one has to “stay in their own lane” once everything’s equal.  Enjoy!  Enjoy!  I’d send a double-dildo but usually I’m too broke so you’ll have to settle for a sketch.  Don’t worry though, it won’t have any disgusting cocks featured so the little darlings won’t be infected by queer ideals.


Is it too early to start an abstinence movement before gay marriage?
  Okay.  That’s the main bulk of this rant.  Now for some bits and pieces, the flotsam and jetsom of my constant irritation.  Without rhyme or reason, just tossed out for your consideration.

       Why does everyone (particularly true crime exposés) call it a “love triangle” when only one person is attached to the other two?  It’s not a triangle unless all parties involved are double-dipping.  It could be rightfully referred to as a “love V” or possibly a “love arrow” but it simply is not a triangle.  I don’t know why I find this misnomer so aggravating.  Perhaps it’s because I think that words have a particular meaning and communication gets muddied when the vocabulary is allowed to get sloppy.

     Also annoying the fuck out of me is the term “technologist” used by the bogus trade schools that advertise in the afternoons.  Why aren’t the “graduates” called “technicians?”  Is it illegal for them to claim that their fraudulent degrees produce technicians?  I cringe every time this idiotic bastardization is muttered.  Thankfully I live alone or else I might be compelled to punch someone in the head every time I hear “technologist.”

      I hate to mention current affairs as it dates these rants too specifically, but I think that it is so weird, so obviously a matter of media manipulation, so proof-positive that we are living in a tightly controlled information bubble, that I just have to say something about it. I’m home all day, the television is on all day.  I frequently have “news” stations on because I don’t have to look up from my drawing to see what’s happening, AND I HAVE NOT SEEN A SINGLE BIT OF FILM FOOTAGE DOCUMENTING THE “WAR” COVERAGE AT ALL THIS YEAR.  There are talking heads, there is excruciating coverage of candidates doing nothing, and there are more pundits weighing in on what they perceive as happening.  Where are the embedded reporters in Iraq and Afghanistan? Where is the NEWS about this shit?  There is a war and an occupation occurring on foreign soil, trillions of dollars being spent, corrupt contractors, rapes, murders and deadly confrontations but all we get are morons like Tucker Carlson (whose dick is he sucking?) spewing nonsense or Pat Buchanan (which is like listening to 1962). Where is the combat footage?  Where are the shells of buildings, the injured and dying “natives,” the maimed military personnel?  How can the American public comprehend what this carnage is all about if we aren’t allowed to see any of it?  I want to know what’s happening in prisons, how contractors like Blackwater and KBR are conducting themselves, or what the Kurds are up to. Why are we sending young people and tons of money to places that exist in a third-hand dream universe?  I pester news organizations about this issue regularly..... that’s why my phone is tapped.  Hahaha!!!!!!  Anyway...... it’s a dismal commentary on the illusion of a free press that we know more about Britney Spears than how our tax dollars and military people are being used in an ill-conceived fiasco on the other side of the world.  At least we got to SEE Vietnam. What I’d like to see is a CSPAN-like channel that just shows all of the raw footage from reporters as well a vidcam and cell phone stuff from soldiers 24-hours-a-day with only the most basic explanation by the filmmaker to set the scene.

     How do people who are blind since birth determine whether they are straight or gay? Anybody out there have some insight (no pun intended) they can share with me about this? I’d imagine that if the primary sense used to familiarize yourself with another person is tactile, and although men and women may feel different, there is not a set of body parts of either gender that is inherently more sensual or yucky than the other. How can somebody determine that they only prefer sex with males or females without sampling the other as well?  Just wondering.

     I know I’m going to get in trouble for this one. Why is America so enamored with Israel that we never criticize them over their occupation of the Palestinian territories and their continuing to build settlements on disputed lands? Why are they our “greatest ally” when (as far as I can tell) their military has never fought alongside ours in half a century of confrontations and they’ve had quite a number of spies caught in our intelligence community?  Why is anyone who questions the Israeli government’s actions automatically branded as an anti-Semite?  Why do we always say that we will defend them militarily when they have a powerful armed forces (including nuclear capabilities) and enough of our money and weapons to deal with any aggression on their own?  I don’t get it.  I’m sure someone out there might have a logical explanation for this coddling attitude but I’ve never come across one on my own.  It just IS.  No one need question it.  Why exactly does America have this “special relationship” with Israel?  What have they done for us?  I’d love to know.

    And finally. This is totally pervy. I’ve got a boner for Jon Soltz of VoteVets.Org.  So if anybody out there can locate a photo of him shirtless (maybe at a pool or beach before he joined the service) and send it my way, I’d be very grateful . I said it was pervy. Hahahaha!!!!!!!




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