BY Michael Kirwan

It was so fucking embarrassing. After high school I had basically told the whole town to "Fuck Yourselves!" as I packed up my gear and scholarship and headed off to the big city to be a college student. I let every one of those assholes know that I was going places, I was going to have the kind of life they were too fucking stupid to even imagine and they were all going to rot just like the vegetables they farmed. I let them know that they were all yokels who'd forever have chicken shit encrusted on their shoes. What a triumphant, liberating, and final exit from this rural miasma I'd executed!


And now I was back!


In the ten months since my crowing exodus from this boring hell, I'd managed to flunk out of school, lose three jobs, get robbed twice and been evicted. Then, my Mom injured her back at the plant and needed me to come home and take care of her as she was currently on the outs with all our relatives (well, I thought I'd never have to see any of those hayseeds again and they deserved to be told of their many failings) and there was nobody else. So less than a year after my thumbing my nose at everyone in the boondocks, I was at their fucking mercy. I got a job at a horse ranch (the owner was out of town when I delivered my farewell address, thus spared any scathing wrath), and showed up the first morning to find my worst nightmare scenario waiting for me. The other farm hands were three of my old high school alumni who I'd singled out, pointed to actually, as shining examples of lifetime loserhood. I was so humiliated, even more so when I looked down and saw that I'd stepped in horseshit already. The only thing that kept me from just running home and shooting myself was the evidence that my proclamations had indeed proved prophetic.


There was Danny Reeves, the high school darling, star quarterback and teacher's pet, shoveling shit just like I'd predicted. He had his shirt off already and flashed a big white-toothed smile when he saw me carrying buckets towards the stables. His bronzed muscles rippled and the sun kissed his short brown hair with gold as if he were still some high school demigod. He was absolutely loathsome.


"Hey there, Bert. I thought you'd be nursing a martini hangover in some penthouse at this time of the day. What are you doing here with us shitkickers? Some research for a 'New Yorker' story, perhaps?" Danny said in that phony honey-drenched voice of his.


"It's Norbert, not 'Bert', Mr. Quarterback. And how's things with you?" I replied, the vitriol and sarcasm lacing my words, "Thrown any touchdowns recently?"


Danny laughed and shook his head. "You're a pip, Bert."  


"NORBERT!" I shot back and then muttered "asshole" just loud enough for him to hear it. It was infuriating that he was there shoveling horse manure into a wheelbarrow, smiling and glowing, rather than weeping at his pathetic circumstances.                            


In the stable, I had yet another hideous confrontation. Grooming a oily-looking black horse with a bandaged hind leg was Mike Lonsdale wearing overalls and rubber boots. This guy was maybe the most irritating human being on the entire planet. He was so polite and blissed-out that I'm pretty sure he was either perpetually stoned or simply retarded. He paused his brushing activity on the nag and flipped his blond (too blond, if you know what I mean) hair and gazed at my entrance with those gem-like pale blue eyes of his. Sweat trickled down his sleek sinewy side, vanishing into his unbuttoned overalls, where it was obvious he wasn't wearing any underwear. "Hey, Bert! Nice to see you back. How did it go in the city?" he said. I didn't answer right away. I got distracted by how perfect and wet his lips were. Some people might think he had an extraordinarily beautiful mouth, but I recognized it as the slack-jawed sign of the mentally-impaired.


"Wonderful." I finally answered, "Fantastic. As soon as my mother's back is better I'm going right back. I love it there."


"Great." he said as only an imbecile would. "I heard about yer ma. I was going to go see if she needed any chores done but she said you were coming. She's a real nice woman. I hope she gets better soon."


"Uh, yeah. Whatever." I said. Honestly, it was talking to a toddler, I was pretty sure that teachers at school had only given him good grades because they felt sorry for him.


"Hey Bert, if you need help doing anything around here, feel free to ask me. I know this place pretty good." Mike offered over his muscular shoulder as he brushed the horse again.


"It's 'well'." I said.


"What?" Mike flipped those platinum locks to look at me.


"It's 'I know this place WELL', not 'I know this place GOOD'." I told him.


"Oh. Thanks." he beamed, those full pink lips curling in a radiant smile.   


"And if you must call me something, call me Norbert!"


"Sure. Sorry." Mike said.


God, was he a dope! It was shocking that he hadn't been institutionalized years ago. The thought that I'd be spending the next couple of weeks with assholes like Danny and Mike filled me with dread. A fallen star and a moron! Things just could not possibly get any more grating. Or so I thought! In the yard I ran into Eddie "The Snake" Dobbins, of all people! He was walking two horses towards the paddock. He was called "The Snake" because he was so skinny and slithery, but now he'd filled out with 15 pounds of hard muscle and had a ridiculous moustache under his snout-like nose.


"Hey, Snake. You seem to have a caterpillar crawling on your lip. Maybe you should flick it off." I intoned acidly.


"Bert! Glad to see you. I've gotta get these horses put away but we'll catch up later." he said.


As if I'd want to 'catch up' with him! Like there was anything worth discussing with someone named Snake! A complete nobody, and proud of it. Ugh, this was intolerable!


"It's NORBERT!" I shouted at the three receding horses' asses.


I spent the rest of day avoiding those rednecks and when I saw Mr. Wilkins, the owner, drive off (in a pickup truck, naturally) I headed off to the hay barn to take a nap. I settled in among the bales and fell asleep almost immediately, my poor brain craving escape from this awful set of circumstances. I don't know exactly how long I slumbered but when I awoke all three of my nemesises were staring down at me.


I got up and brushed the straws from my clothes and hair. They all looked at me expectantly, but I didn't feel the need to offer THEM any explanations. As I tried to push them aside and make a graceful exit Danny grabbed my arm and held it with vise-like strength.


"Bert. What is your problem? We've been covering your ass for hours!" the ex-hero barked in my face.


"I don't have a problem! And I'll thank you to not covet my ass." I said with a smirk.


Danny looked appropriately stunned, then he said, "Do you think you have to act like an asshole because you're gay?"         


Now it was my turn to be stunned! What was even more shocking was that the other two acted like they knew what he was talking about! I didn't have to put up with this!


"What the fuck are you talking about?" I fumed, a sinking feeling spreading through my gut. "Are you CRAZY? Has your mind turned to shit completely? I'M NOT GAY! I'm as straight as you guys are."


Mike chuckled and pushed that annoying hair aside from his face and Snake coughed up cigarette smoke. I tried to wrench my arm from Danny's grasp but he held tight. I felt perspiration dripping down my back.


"Come on. Everybody knows you're gay. It's not a big deal." Danny said with his honeyed voice through those huge white teeth.


"I don't know how anyone can know anything of the kind since it's not true. It's just like you losers to try and say I'm queer. You hayseeds think that anyone who's different, anyone who's the least bit interesting or artistic has to be a fucking homo!" I snarled at the pack of them. The fucking nerve!


"I don't think I'm different." said Mike.


"I know I'm not interesting." added Snake.


"And I'm neither. If  I were any more ordinary...well, I don't know what." concluded Danny with a big grin.


I was completely dumbfounded. What were they saying? They were all such dim-bulbs that they'd mistakenly  identified themselves as...what? Gays? They didn't even know what they said! I sighed and rolled my eyes and tried to think how I could explain their stupid error in words they'd understand. Now at least, I had the upper hand in this silly confrontation. "You guys don't know what you're saying. You just inferred that you three were queer. There's no point in continuing this little talk. You're accusing me of being gay and instead indicated that you are." I smugly informed them.


"Yeah." said Snake. The other two chiming in with "We are." and "Who's accusing?"


"You guys are gay?" I said.


"Uh, yeah. We figured you could tell since you're gay too."


"...and so sophisticated." added that idiot Mike.


"This is a trick." I said.


"No. Tricks are what I turn out by Route 19." said Danny, causing the other two to guffaw.


"I'm getting out of here." I hissed.


"He's delusional." Mike clucked and Snake tut-tutted in agreement. "Let's show him."


Danny grabbed me in bear hug and awkwardly waltzed me over to some hay bundles. He held me tight whilst the other two buffoons undid my pants and dropped them to my ankles over my vigorous protests. Unfortunately, the feel of Danny's body pressed up against mine and the fumblings of his goons at my nether regions had given me a totally unexpected and indicting erection. The musky sweaty stench produced by our grappling was like a hit of poppers and I reeled with sexual euphoria as Snake tore off my tee shirt and pinched my nipples. I was tossed over a bale of hay like I was...well, a bale of hay! Danny climbed on top of me and sitting astride as if I was one of our equine charges and smacked my exposed ass cheeks with a resounding crack. I howled, not so much at the slap but at the indignity of it all.


"Snake, shut her up." Danny instructed.


I was horrified that they might gag me, depriving me of my best defense, my razor-like tongue, but instead Eddie undid the front of his blue jeans and unfurled a serpentine wonder of a penis. It was long and hard, the large mauve glands with it's glistening pee-hole, just inches from my gaping mouth. The funky odor emanating from Snake's crotch made me dizzy and confused, and before you could sing the refrain from "The Last Train to Clarksville," I was sucking it. Once he saw that the bulbous head wasn't enough to shut me up, he slid in the rest of his eelish appendage. I was determined to show myself as being capable under any circumstances and so swallowed his tool with no hesitation, no one was going to make me look the fool!


Meanwhile, Danny was counting off my various imaginary offenses as his palm repeatedly connected with my now reddened ass cheeks with considerable force. "This is for the insults." CRACK! "This is for fucking off all day and not doing any work." CRACK! "This is for not recognizing your brother homos." CRACK! "This is for stirring up so much shit for your mother before you left." CRACK! "This is for not admitting to being gay." CRACK! "This is because I want to." CRACK! "This is for mispronouncing so many of the words you insist on using." CRACK! "This is again, just because I want to." CRACK!                    


You get the gist. As a visible protest to his incantation, I squirted out a single drop of cum each time he slapped me. What gall! If my gullet wasn't so full of Snake I would have told him a thing or two about his litany of my supposed misdeeds. I was twisting Snake's nut sac as I deep-throated him just to let him know what I thought of him when Danny started rubbing my raw stinging buttocks and spitting saliva into my crack and onto my twitching sphincter. How fucking rude!


Shortly thereafter, I felt his farmhand fingers invade my most personal domain, sliding in and out, stretching my quivering opening. I engulfed his digits with my ass, pulling them deeper into me to show him how unthreatened I felt about the whole exercise. I briefly wondered whether he'd washed his hands. I mean, REALLY! he had been shoveling manure the last time I saw him. Then Snake started moaning and throat-thrusting more frantically, giving every indication that he was going to cum. I quickly disgorged his pulsating python and filled my mouth with his balls, I didn't want him to be able to say later that I took it at his leisure!


Meanwhile, on the other end of the spectrum, Danny had loosened and stretched my anus and was prompting Mike to "hop on for a ride." The utter vulgarity of it all prompted me to insert a spittle-soaked finger into Snake's rectum and resume sucking his by now tamed anaconda. I was unimpressed with the amount of cock Mike had stuck up my chute and let them all know it by moaning and leaking a sizable volume of sperm from my rock-hard prick. I should have realized that God took care of "slow" characters like Mike and that he had quite a lot of more dick to plug me with.


By the time Mike's entire shaft had penetrated me, it felt like a locomotive had parked in my canal. I squirmed back engulfing the huge torpedo completely and rotated my ass in a circular motion to register my discomfort. As Mike plowed me like the lower forty I allowed Snake to shoot a load of gooey spunk in my mouth and all over my face, and just to show these uncouth yahoos that I was unbowed by their assault, I demanded that Danny replace him immediately! Danny climbed off my back (awkwardly for a semi-professional athlete!) and was soon feeding me his tube steak.


I took some oblique satisfaction in noting that it wasn't nearly as long as Snake's but it was definitely fatter. Much more girth. In no time, I had my nose buried in his sweat and piss scented bush and was giving his cockhead a thorough throttling with my throat muscles. Now that he and Mike had a clear view of each other, you would think they'd have enough decency to coordinate their impalings, but no. Apparently just shoving cock in and out of me with random uneven thrusts was their "country method" of conducting a three-way.


I don't know how he managed it but somehow Snake had added to the cacophony by sidling in and sucking my jizz-drizzling boner. Really! Now I had yet another off-tempo sex act to contend with. I had to dispatch him at once, that annoying little moustache of his contacting my slick highly-sensitized stalk was just too much. I waited until Mike was completely lodged in my ass and all four of our balls were gummily resting on Snake's chin and blasted his tonsils with a punishing volley of my manjuice. As I drained my balls in Snake's undulating gullet my asslips must have contracted spasmodically because it triggered a massive ejaculation from Mike (of course being so dim-witted, who'd ascribe any self-control to him?), flooding my insides with what seemed like a gallon of boy cream.


With all the moaning and groaning, I was hardly surprised when Danny extracted his beer can-shaped prick from my sucking maw and beat off until he grunted twice and gave me a semen facial, warm pearly gobs of ex-quarterback spooge everywhere. We laid around catching our collective breath for a few minutes and then went over to the big sink and cleaned up. Everyone washed each other and pretty soon we were all soaking wet but at least we wouldn't smell of musk teen cum on the way home. We gathered up our clothing (nobody offered to buy me a new tee shirt to replace the one they shredded, so typical) and headed out to our cars. Dusk was falling and that smell that only farmland has at night wafted across the fields and corrals surrounding us.


The three of them smiled and waved at me and Mike called out, "See ya tomorrow, Bert. Drive safe."


I stuck my head out the window and screamed, "IT'S NORBERT, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLES!" and drove to my mother's uninspiring house. 




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